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Godzilla Gets Religion Says “I’m a Leader, Let the Chips Lie Where They Fall”
Paradise Mountain, VA.—Recent reports of Godzilla, the titanic lizard of the 1950s South Pacific, showing up at Reverend Flurry Balwell’s posh church resort at Paradise Mountain have left some observers here wondering. It has been little more than a month since the fire-breathing lizard of doom created shock waves by showing up on a Hollywood “Survivor” set all dressed and ready for action. Apparently Godzilla’s new interest in religion is part of a complex reaction to attention from the press, in addition to the mayhem that followed his foray at Hollywood and Vine. This time, however, the monster appeared in the midst of televangelist Balwell’s congregation—singing, clapping, and shouting Hosannas with the faithful. Apparently, there was some official concern with Godzilla’s behavior, though General Rhubarb “Bull” Flintlock for the time being seems reconciled to Godzilla’s status. Flintlock apparently “passed” on the special Godzilla security clearance after the reptilian heavyweight completed a crash course in behavioral regression analysis at the School of the Americas—an elite training facility for foreign diplomats and other overseas operatives sponsored by the U.S. government. “Godzilla is at heart just an ordinary guy,” said Dr. Frank N. Steinhoff, in charge of the MI Delta 66 program, the special psychiatric tracking unit set up to monitor Godzilla’s brain telemetry. “When he turns to religion, it’s a sign that things area really okay. His inner needs for self-gratification are being met. The fact is, the Creature has shown a remarkable grasp of human behavior. And the interest in religion proves the point. Here we have the most destructive monster in all human history—and he is now in effect saying, ‘I’m going to lie down with the lambs.’ The implications of this may prove staggering. He’s trying to make it clear that his power and might will be used for noble purposes. And the potential here is enormous. With Godzilla’s help, freedom can at last expand on a global basis as never before. And with Godzilla now getting into religion—it could mean that a whole new ‘age of faith’ is about to unfold.” Although Godzilla’s top-level security clearance has for the time being helped to dispel fears, the monster’s behavior has created a stir among the faithful. Members of Balwell’s elite Bible-warrior congregation went into shock when, with a single motion of his tail, Godzilla slammed a vestry member into a pipe organ, causing thousands of dollars in damages, while sending the vestryman to the hospital. “From that point on it was chaos,” said one member of the congregation, who declined to be identified. “Some people went into hysterics, and Godzilla just snapped in the midst of a choral interlude. Church pews were smashed, and suddenly Godzilla blew a 120 million megavolt photometric death ray through the belfry. The church bell was vaporized, but the shadow of the bell was burned into a ten inch concrete slab. Nobody had seen anything like that before!” Later, in an exclusive ABFlea News interview with TV anchorman, Sweeter Zinnings, Godzilla summed it up briefly by saying, “I’m a leader. Let the chips lie where they fall.”
Send comments on the latest from Godzilla to hollywinkle@carolcivicvoice.org.
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The People’s Civic Record, 2004 Archive |
