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Godzilla Names Roberts to High Court First Cro Magnon to be Nominated Under Serpent’s Rule
Washington, D.C. - Observers in the U.S. capital heaved a sign of relief upon learning that federal appeals court judge John G. Roberts, Jr. had been chosen by Godzilla to fill the vacant seat on the U.S. Supreme Court. The position became available in July when Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, also a noted Cro Magnon who had long been a swinging vote on the Court, announced her decision to retire. “This is definitely a step up from U.N. Ambassador John Bolton,” said Senator Harry Reid of Nevada. “He’s a Homo Neanderthal from the word go.” Other key Democrats in the U.S. Senate were not so rosy. “When do we get access to the records?” asked Senator Feinstein of California. “Is this evolution, or intelligent design? We need to know more about Robert’s involvement in certain Pacific island ventures involving Godzilla. And remember, whole cities have been known to vanish in these capers.” Defenders of Godzilla and the Roberts nomination nevertheless seemed cheerful. “This proves what we’ve said all along,” said Sen. Rick Santorum (R.-Pa.) “Godzilla can do something right. And who’s asking questions about the Pacific, anyway?” Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama, meanwhile, insisted that the Roberts nomination was constructive step, that Roberts’ conservative values were impeccable, and would help to restore balance on the Court, which somehow like everything else, seemed to be controlled by liberals. “We’ll keep the documents about Roberts under Reagan and Bush I,” said Sessions. “And we’ll change the rules so all judicial nominees will no longer have to reveal their tax returns before the Senate. And we’ll even schedule the hearings during the August recess when most Americans are on vacation.” All of this, of course, was to Godzilla’s liking. Back from a recent visit to the CIA, where his 40,000 megavolt photometric death ray accidentally blasted a hole through sixteen inch concrete, opening a vault that had contained a cache of secret Scooby Doo tapes since the 1960s, Godzilla issued a public appeal for a return to mo’rality, announcing: “John Roberts is widely admired for his intellect, his sound judgment, and his personal decency.” Standing beside Roberts in front of the U.S. Supreme Court building, Godzilla issued a long shriek, like the wail of an air raid siren, then stated calmly: “Roberts is one of the finest legal minds in the country. And if you don’t like him, you can have John Bolton.”
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Carolina Civic Voice Fall 2005 Vol. 5, No 3 |
